Letter to a student
Dear teacher,
I really need help. My practicing has and is suffering to the point that I find it hard to get up and practice. I barely practice one hour a week and that’s just when I feel so guilty for not practicing that I can’t stand it. My arm muscles have also atrophied to where it is hard to get the same sound that I used to and it makes it even harder to practice because I don’t like the way I sound. I hate not wanting to practice but I just cannot seem to get up and practice, no matter how hard I ride myself. I think that it has been like this for about half a year now and I feel so crummy to think that you put so much faith and trust and work into me and this is how I pay you back. How do I fix this? I keep thinking about how much fun it is to perform and how I’ll make a career about performing but all of it vanishes as soon as I pick up the violin. Then all I can think about is how hard this is and just how not fun it is. Then I feel guilty about how much I haven’t practiced and just how lousy I must sound. All the time I was at church camp and Music Workshop, people kept telling me how they loved my playing and how I had the nicest tone, and all I could think of was “If you only knew that I hadn’t practiced in half a year you wouldn’t say that.” I felt so guilty that they complimented like that when I knew that I didn’t deserve it. I think that of all people you would be able to help me best in this matter.. I want to love my violin like I used to when I first started. Then, no obstacle was too hard to overcome because I loved playing so much. Now everything is too hard or so I think. Can you help me? Please? I want to love my violin like I did before. And please don’t be mad at me for not practicing.
Dear student,
From your paragraph I get the following feelings: animosity, dislike, failure, guilt, disappointment and fear. You like many others, including my self, got started in the game of life at an early age. The moment you decided you wanted to be serious about it, physical and mental obstacles begin to appear. That is true for anyone that commits to anything. Just ask your parents that have been married for so many years if their relationship has always been a fairytale. We are constantly faced with changes and at your age, changes happen a lot faster. It really is a roller coaster. Career wise, the most successful men and women have faced similar feelings. Just look at the level of sacrifice some athletics go thru and you can rest assure that they fall in and out of love with their career. I will give you my own example: I remembered telling you in one of our lessons that I hardly practice any more because I am so busy. You were surprised, remember?
Well, that was during the time I was making the decision to quit the orchestra for personal reasons. I was disappointed and angry with my self. Time went by and things got better. I became more focus on my career as music administrator and I have actually found time to practice again. I am motivated and I feel like I am in love with the violin once more.
Look; the way you feel right now is normal. Don’t beat yourself for feeling like this. Just roll with it for a short while. Think about something else for now and only hold the violin when you are in a good mood. Then play a song, a piece or a scale you like. Don’t think about what it should sound like. Instead, just let it be. Walk away and come back to it later. Make it casual with no full commitment and get away from negative feelings. In the paragraph you wrote me, I also saw passion, love and the will to improve; so think about that more.
It is hard to focus in the future all the time so just hang out in the present for a little while.
